Star Wars Gets Eaten, Followed By Other Stuff

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, two teams played a game.  One team was called “The Empire.”  The other team was called “The Rebel Alliance.”  The game was called “Kill Everyone.”  In this game, one side had to end the lives of all the opposing team’s members.  Both teams belonged to civilizations that had developed interstellar travel.  Therefore, much of this “Kill Everyone” game took place in outer space near a planet called Endor.
From the perspective of a neutral observer, the battle was quite beautiful.  Spacecraft soared, lasers danced, and nuclear explosions blossomed in the dark of space.
However, quite suddenly, a visitor broke the “Kill Everyone” game’s strict no visitors policy.  Ripping through the star-spackled black came a hairy white paw that dwarfed the game’s largest spaceship (The Empire’s “Death Star”) by twenty times.  Pilots and anti-spacecraft gunners of both the empire and the Rebel Alliance gaped in horror as a figure emerged from a hole in the fabric of space-time.
It was Percy, the cat.  The spaceships’ twinkling lights interested him.  He turned his face this way and that, watching the display.
One of the rebel Alliance’s spaceships blew up sending the pilot’s biomatter in every direction, including towards Percy.  The biomatter’s scent snaked its way towards Percy’s nostrils.  Upon the kitty’s apprehension, a gleam appeared in his eye. He knew that smell:  Ape Blood.  Percy licked his lips.
Percy lived on a planet populated by beings of the homo sapiens genus of primates.  Percy enjoyed biting the homo sapiens creatures, but he could never completely follow his instinct to kill and eat them because they were so big.  Percy only managed a bite here and there.
But the homo sapiens in this universe were much tinier…
Percy attacked!
The Empire and The Rebel Alliance dispersed in all directions, but Percy’s instincts as a hunter were unparalleled.  Percy hunched, pounced, swiped, and sank his jaws into the tiny ships until no more existed.  He looked so cute, eating all of the spaceships.  Such a clever kitty.  He loved those delicious little lightning bugs, yes he did.  Yummy little ape-creatures.
After he ate all of the spaceships and doodads and homosapiens, Percy licked himself.  This was his special way of giving himself a bath.  He looked hella cute.  His cute little pink tongue making himself nice and clean.  When he was all clean, Percy nestled in a cozy little corner of the universe and went to sleep on the universe’s floor.  He looked so cute when he was asleep.  Awwww.  Cute little kitty.  You just wanted to rub his belly right there.  What a content animal percy was, ape blood percolating in his tummy.  So hella cute.
The next day, Percy ate all of the stars and planets in the universe.  His full tummy swayed from side to side, grazing the floor of space.
Now, the universe was like a giant black room with no one to play with, so after Percy had taken a nap and licked himself again in a hella cute way, he ripped another hole in the space-time continuum.
And percy found himself witness to yet another game…
The name of this game was called “Flail Your Tits.”  The contenders – people who viewed art as a social relation and people who believed art had objective standards.
Fluh-luh-luh-luh-luh went the tits.  The whole thing was a fiery circus of tits.
Percy used Quick Attack on the people who believed that art had objective standards.  Their brains concussed, Percy gobbled up the people who believed that art had objective standards.  They fell down Percy’s gullet into his stomach, where they were dissolved by the acids therein.
The people who viewed art as a social relation did not know if they should cheer or run away and hide.  They all stood there watching Percy as he licked his private parts in a business-like manner.
Percy’s licking of his private parts was quite gross, but also funny in a “cats are so funny” kind of way.  He still looked hella cute.
Finally, Percy finished licking and addressed the expectant default winners of the “Flail Your Tits” game.
“I am hungry and I want to eat you,” said Percy, “but I think I would like you to become my slaves because having slaves might be another thing to make me happy, in addition to eating things.  All of you must serve me for the entirety of your lives.  If you don’t I will eat you.”
And it was so.  And that, my children, is why we have to do things we don’t want to do to stay alive.